A Most Refreshing Inventory

Or, perhaps that was the way in Europe in the ‘Dark Ages’, which were much darker and smellier than we have been told. But elsewhere they knew what to do with their dump; and, more important, immediately afterwords. Given that peoplekind has been shitting since they first made an appearance on the planet, surely they must have worked out what to do with their ‘load’ before the emergence of toilet paper in the fourteenth century. Although still absent in Europe, where ‘medicated paper for water closet’ emerged in 1857; and the western style flash toilet made an appearance in 1860s.

Long before that, there were plenty of proper toilets around the world; and folks used water to clean themselves afterwards. Indoor sewage pipes and toilets in Turkey date back at least to 764 BC as is seen in the castles of the Urartu Kingdom of that period. This is one thousand years before the founding of Constantinople, a city well known for importing Roman cisterns, sewers, and aqueducts and building those into the foundations of the city. Thanks to this early thinking, Constantinople was able to become the largest city of Europe in the Middle Ages. In June of 2021, the first public toilet of the Ottoman Empire was made a museum in the city of Tokat in northern Turkey. Built in the 1600s, this building was the first publicly available space for crafts people in the Ottoman empire to do their business. Being the first one, it hosted queues that would put the worst’s of ladies’ room queues to shame. It came to be known colloquially as the sık dişini helası, meaning ‘hold your pee public toilet’.

So pooing with comfort and sophistication was not necessarily an invention of the British or Western Civilisation! Muslim societies and the ancient societies of Asia and North Africa had long had systems of plumbing and an ethical obligation and dedication to hygiene. In the modern era, it can be said that the non-west has for more superior toilets to those of the west, which have grown lazy and lacking innovation as they wipe with papers of various coarseness and environmental impact!

It is thus fitting that we seek more eco-friendly ways to do our business, explore alternatives to toilet paper, and the ever popular but highly perilous disposable wet wipes. We need, indeed demand, more classy methods of refreshment following the much-required visit to the loo. 

In general, toilets in Muslim societies accompany some sort of washing facility, from simple to sophisticated. But it seems rather conclusive that the invention of the seventeenth century French furniture maker, Christophe de Rosiers, otherwise known as the bidet, has become all the rage across the non-western world! While the bidet was once a symbol of high society, innovation and our contemporary era have made the it much more accessible. It might just be the solution we need to many of our climate change induced watery woes. Not to mention the gate way to the most superior refreshment available today!

1.   The Lota

Before plumbing and the maintenance of good water pressure was the norm of society, there was the lota – an all-round implement for water disseminations. The lota is simply a round jug with a spout. The first lotas, dating back to the second millennium B.C., were made from terracotta and clay, but later lotas were largely made from metal, especially copper. While lota has been utilised in a variety of ceremonies from sacred religious practices to weddings and even traditional medicine, it has also gained use as a vessel for pouring water in needy places. As such, it a standard feature of most toilets in the Indian Subcontinent, where it is seen as a perfect gadget for post-loo washing up regime. Lotas across time and cultures come in a wide variety and although shunned by people with stiff upper lips, they have washed the bums of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Jains, Zoroastrians, Christians, Jews, and all matter of religious devotes throughout their existence. Unity can be found in the strangest of places!

2.   CuloClean Portable Bidet

A substitute for the lota, this bidet has been noted as being a top choice for backpack travellers or those looking to keep the luggage light! A simple, but elegant design, the CuloClean is a corkscrew plastic plug that you can attach to the top any plastic water bottle. Then simply turn the bottle upside down and squeeze projecting a most refreshing stream of your favourite spring, mineral or even sparkling water for effective cleansing and comfort! No batteries or electricity needed! For those worried about putting yet further unnecessary plastics into the world, fear not! The makers of CuloClean also sell hygienic bags and reusable bottles so that you can be your eco-friendly best self.

3.   Tushy Travel Bidet

This portable bidet is all in one with no need to mess around with lots of parts and assembly. Like the popular accordion-style collapsible water bottles, this silicon bidet collapses for easy travel and even comes with a stainless-steel carabiner clip for easy carry! To use, you simply pull the bidet open and fill it with water. Then flip the angled spicket open, aim, and squeeze to the level of flow you find most useful in refreshing your nether regions. When finished, collapse the bidet back down and see how it fits into most toiletry travel pouches! Great for travel, camping, and dormitories, also available in a wide range of colours!

4.   Brondell GoSpa Travel (Handpump) Bidet

While not as sleek as other portable bidets, a proper handpump bidet is just what the doctor ordered for taking care of business after you have taken care of business. Easily assembled this portable bidet also requires no batteries or electricity, just good old fashioned elbow grease. But the pump on this bidet is specially designed to make wash-up easy for the whole family, even those of us with a weak hand grip. This portable bidet sometimes comes with a collapsable nozzle or can be closed for easy packing when its time to be on-the-go. Holding a greater water capacity than other portable bidets this model gives the most refreshing feeling down there that is guaranteed to last.

5.   The Mosafer Electric Portable Bidet

Most other portable bidets require work, which for many of us think is the last thing we require to be a part of our loo experience. It is, after all, about relaxing - is it not? Well enter the electric portable bidet. A simple push of the button can adjust stream strength and warmth. And the motor that propels the whole system is quiet, so no need to disturb others should you find yourself in a public latrine. The battery is said to last long, and noted to power through 100 cycles. Each cycle last between thirty and sixty seconds depending on the stream strength setting! And once the battery runs out, fear not, the fast-charge USB plug only takes two hours to reach full strength. The device is also waterproof, which can be quite handy in many of the lavatories available to us around the world. The device comes with its own carrier bag which will easily accompany your other toiletries on the go. A good bum cleaning gismo for the twenty-first century!

6.   The Standalone Bidet

Beyond portability, perhaps one’s own home toilet could use some modifications And  home bidets also come in quite the variety. The standalone bidets are separate fixtures typically situated next to the toilet. Originating in France in the seventeenth century, these fixtures have been a staple in many European homes for generations. You will still find them in some older homes and hotels, or those going for a more traditional or rustic aesthetic. Traditionally, they resemble a low sink or a porcelain bowl and come with controls for adjusting water pressure and temperature. The plumbing is similar to that of a standard toilet, requiring both a water supply and a drain. This adage will have you feeling like a member of the royal family, as you should, when you visit the john. But it does require some tricky manoeuvres as you have to move from deposit to withdrawl!

7.   The Handheld Bidet Sprayers

For those of us without the luxury of space, fear not, more compact additions can be made to pre-existing home toilets. Handheld bidet sprayers, often referred to as Shattafs in Middle Eastern countries, or known more colloquially as the ‘Muslim Shower’, are now de jore in Muslim household. These sprayers are similar to a kitchen sink sprayer and are typically mounted on the wall near the toilet or attached to the toilet itself. This is the most common bidet one will find in hotels and most public places, and readily accompany a western toilet bowl or the Asian squatting toilet. They provide a manual control over the water stream, making them versatile for other uses, such as cleaning the toilet. More sophisticated models also allow for temperature control. While they are inexpensive and easy to install, their manual operation might not appeal to everyone. Handheld Sprayers or Shower Bidets will guarantee a most refreshing hygienic polish for bum, toilet seat, and even the floor if you so desire. 

8.   The Bidet Toilet Seat

For those with the budget, the most convenient and luxurious option is the bidet toilet seat attachment. These seats replace your traditional toilet seat and come with a host of features. These may include heated seats, adjustable water temperature and pressure, various wash modes, oscillating and pulsating stream characteristics, and even air dryers. Electrical requirements are a consideration, as these seats often need to be plugged into a power outlet. The integration of technology (such as heated seats, heated water, massage vibrations, blow dryers, UV sanitization, and so on) in these seats can offer a luxurious and hygienic bathroom experience. Various models exist with retracting bidet spickets and complicated control panels that deliver the best of all possible experience in this best of all possible worlds.

9.   The Smart Bidet

Smart bidets represent the pinnacle of bidet technology, incorporating features such as remote controls, programmable user settings, and even connectivity with smart home systems. These bidets provide the ultimate in comfort and convenience, with sensors to adjust water temperature, pressure, and position automatically. They often feature energy-saving modes, self-cleaning mechanisms, and night lights, making them the smart choice for tech-savvy users. Now the smart home is complete! Finally, a bidet that connects to Wi-Fi, if only you can remember the password!

10.   The Japanese Toilet

The Japanese Toilet has been widely hailed as the leader in complete refreshment. Since the technology boom in Japanese products in the 1980s and 1990s, Japan has developed a reputation for having the flashiest, and often most esoteric, gadgets on the market. Their bathrooms were not left out of this endeavour. The toilets not only advanced technologically, but were kept beholden to the traditional Japanese culture which holds cleanliness as amongst the top virtues of all. UV sterilisation and sensor drying are a must, but also effort and work are not for the bathroom, let that go on in the outside world. No need to even lift the seat, which is automatic. Lights and even mood setting music are often a feature. And their bidet is state of the art. Refreshment here can be taken for granted as smart-tech blends with numerous buttons, giving way to almost any function the mind can imagine. To these developers, not only is the toilet a sacred space, but one of the highest quality that ought to be considered a human right. The future is indeed here. So, why not loo in the twenty-second century and beyond!

Enjoy!